You ever find yourself walking with purpose, so much purpose that you don’t think about the task you’re working on? And then, five hours later, you still find yourself walking, but now you don’t really know why you’re walking anymore? Like suddenly everything loses meaning?
That’s what I was going through a few weeks ago.
I have been in absolute SAVAGE mode since the new year began. I had some fire in me that made me do whatever I wanted, and everything I did, I did with a can-do attitude.In the second week of 10th grade, I fell terribly sick (i had a stomach ache). Being sick threw me completely off balance, and like a switch, my overall mood changed from “I can do anything, try to stop me” to “Oh my god, I literally cannot do anything right at all!” I was in a state of anxiety and extreme introspection, and that, at least in my opinion, is a shitty combination. I needed a break, and fast, before I crumbled into nothing.
One of the biggest reasons for my aforementioned rut was my fading sense of purpose when it came to blogging, or even writing in general. I admit freely that for a significant period of time, I felt completely detached from the content I was putting out, and I didn’t know exactly why I was doing what I was doing. And that threw me off balance too.
So I did a lot of soul-searching. I did a lot of cleaning up and letting go. I ruthlessly cut away distractions and I made my internet presence so Zen, Buddha would be jealous. What worked for me was cutting down on anything that didn’t serve the purpose of getting me closer to my dreams. When I mean anything, I mean ANYTHING. I deleted those dumb apps on my phone that I haven’t used for weeks, I deleted photos and videos that were taking too much space, and I completely filtered down the content that I consumed and created.
I unfollowed people on Instagram, cutting my following list from 104 to 7. I didn’t do this out of hate for some people and favoritism towards others, but rather to just streamline the amount of content I feed myself on a day-to-day basis. I archived almost all of my posts, leaving only the pictures that I was proud of and that mattered to me. I paid more attention to what I was thinking, but I didn’t act on any of those thoughts immediately. I just observed. I created a “meditation station” in one of my living rooms and every morning, before starting the day, I sit there and breathe. Every day. Without fail.
I stopped chasing people and ideas. I stopped holding on to things, because even though they made me feel whole at times, in the long run, they weighed me down. So I let go. And once I let go completely, I felt freeeeeeeee! I felt so alive, more alive than I’ve ever felt, I felt more humble, more balanced, more creative, and more at ease. I wasn’t in a state of bliss or anything. I wasn’t ecstatic. Unlike other times I’ve felt this high, I didn’t think that life was comfortable. I was fully aware of challenges around me, but this time, it was the challenges that empowered me, not the comfort. I was adapting to a new way of life. I was seeking out new things to open my mind and enrich my life, be it Will Smith’s amazing YouTube channel or my first internship. Suddenly, things that I couldn’t have foreseen, good things, started to show up more in life. I seized all the opportunities. I made a friend (hi). I started to open up to my friends in ways I wouldn’t have really thought about in the past. Now, I am more funny. I am more welcoming. I am less judgemental.
Everyone I meet, I try my best to make them happy around me. And now, my blog seems full of life, too. Every word that I have written has value, not simply because I have found my purpose or anything. I have realized that my words tell stories. Stories of happiness, stories of growth, stories of pain, but always stories worth telling. And I don’t want to stop writing anymore.