the things i would say.

The things I would say if I knew how to say them.

Oh, the things I would say.

I’d unwrap the maze in my mind and set it out for everyone to see,

My thoughts would be no less than rivers filled with stars.

Their brightness shining across farther than one could imagine.

The light setting worlds on fire,

And turning the cold into spring.

The reason I keep my mouth shut

Isn’t because I’m afraid of what lies inside me.

But the day I find out what it is that scares me

Is the day I’ll scream out the voices in my head.

The things I would say if I knew how to say them.

The things.

Photo by Joel Filipe on Unsplash

Internship Days 3 & 4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o&t=19s

I was watching this video last evening, and after I finished watching it, I decided not to touch my phone until the next morning.

Today was great. Something, I don’t know what, brought back my mojo, and now I feel solidly in my game. I feel like I could do anything!

In the last hour, I’ve scribbled at least 10 pages of notes, ideas and positive thoughts down and I can’t wait to go back home and put them all in action.

Tomorrow, we’ll be heading to the Times of India Press in Nacharam, after which I will be felicitated with a certificate of honour from TOI.

I’m excited.

On A Search For Dead Parrot Pictures

I totally understand it when people say we post millennials are unnecessarily nihilistic, but what I find to be more fitting is the label that we’re all aspiring psuedo serial killers.

Today for the internship we interacted with the head of photography for the Times of India office in Telangana and Andhra Pradesh. And all we could seem to ask him was whether you could put pictures of dead stuff on the paper. The answer is no.

We were disappointed.

I got my first journalism assignment. I had to write a news report about a relevant issue in my community. I decided to write about the most pressing concern in my neighbourhood, which was dogs pooping everywhere and people “sh*tting” on group chats about it.

Afterwards, we headed out to the mall, for what must have been the calmest tiring mall visit ever. And we made a lot of good buys too!

Thankfully, after a long time, I actually feel tired and ready to sleep and it’s not even midnight yet.

So, uh, I’m gonna go.

Cheers,

Udita.

Vox — Part 1

April 15th, 2019.

It’s the morning. I wake up at about 7:30, and with this unfazed focus in my head. I guess I was expecting it, cause it had been on my mind for quite a long time. I was going to get off of Instagram. Completely, permanently and indefinitely, quit social media.

For what must have been the 50th time.

In a previous post, I think I briefly addressed my love-hate relationship with Instagram, but this is probably the first time I’ve taken the time to actually write about it. I don’t hate Insta. I love that it has connected me to my friends, given me a platform to share my content with a wider and more vibrant audience, and I love, love, love the memes that bless my feed.

However, the constant flow of information, that Instagram as a platform so happily and overtly encourages, is what often throws me off my balance and sense of self-integrity. I am happy to interact with people over the internet, as long as I know that this is only a secondary form of communication with them, and that the dynamic we have created is solid in real life. I enjoy finding out what’s going on in other people’s lives, as long as I don’t feel any obligation (consciously or otherwise) to do the same.

In a nutshell: I like sharing with the world, but only in small amounts. That’s how much my brain can take before my teenage self-image starts to shatter.

As a teenager, there are some expectations placed for me that I gladly exceed. I do impeccably well at school. I am kind and helpful and considerate and understanding towards everyone, irrespective of whether they reciprocate those traits or not. I stay within the limits set by my parents, my immediate society, and even myself, because I know that there is a lot of time for me in the future to break those limits and go beyond them. I don’t even consider them expectations anymore, rather just the basic rules of my life that I choose to live by.

What I don’t understand is when people place teenagers as nothing more than a liability to the greater good of the “stability of society”. It’s almost as if we’re expected to mess things up. And the only two ways to resolve this conflict is either by telling teens to hold back their feelings, or punish them afterward.

Where is the space for me to make mistakes? When is it okay to say “I did something wrong, I hope we can make it right”? How is a growing child expected to do anything of purpose if there is absolutely no way for her to find out on her own? To mess up and still recover?

Is this all we are, as teens? Problems that need to be fixed asap, or even worse, problems that shouldn’t exist at all? Is anything we’re doing worth it, or is everything, by default, just wrong?

Human Flaws

My dear,

The human character is filled with countless flaws. A good number of them are recognized, but most are unnoticed. One of them being our need for perfection.

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.

Everybody wants to create something great, something awe-inspiring… something that’ll give them a hell of a lot of attention. But nobody wants to do maintenance. Nobody wants to make sure that that great thing still exists in our grand-children’s time.

Greatness requires upkeep. But as I said, we are flawed, for we do not recognize this.

Falsely yours,
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.


Photo by Andrew Buchanan on Unsplash

I Made My Way Through A Major Creative Rut.

Photo by RhondaK Native Florida Folk Artist on Unsplash

You ever find yourself walking with purpose, so much purpose that you don’t think about the task you’re working on? And then, five hours later, you still find yourself walking, but now you don’t really know why you’re walking anymore? Like suddenly everything loses meaning?

That’s what I was going through a few weeks ago. 

I have been in absolute SAVAGE mode since the new year began. I had some fire in me that made me do whatever I wanted, and everything I did, I did with a can-do attitude.In the second week of 10th grade, I fell terribly sick (i had a stomach ache). Being sick threw me completely off balance, and like a switch, my overall mood changed from “I can do anything, try to stop me” to “Oh my god, I literally cannot do anything right at all!” I was in a state of anxiety and extreme introspection, and that, at least in my opinion, is a shitty combination. I needed a break, and fast, before I crumbled into nothing.

One of the biggest reasons for my aforementioned rut was my fading sense of purpose when it came to blogging, or even writing in general. I admit freely that for a significant period of time, I felt completely detached from the content I was putting out, and I didn’t know exactly why I was doing what I was doing. And that threw me off balance too.

So I did a lot of soul-searching. I did a lot of cleaning up and letting go. I ruthlessly cut away distractions and I made my internet presence so Zen, Buddha would be jealous. What worked for me was cutting down on anything that didn’t serve the purpose of getting me closer to my dreams. When I mean anything, I mean ANYTHING. I deleted those dumb apps on my phone that I haven’t used for weeks, I deleted photos and videos that were taking too much space, and I completely filtered down the content that I consumed and created.

I unfollowed people on Instagram, cutting my following list from 104 to 7. I didn’t do this out of hate for some people and favoritism towards others, but rather to just streamline the amount of content I feed myself on a day-to-day basis. I archived almost all of my posts, leaving only the pictures that I was proud of and that mattered to me. I paid more attention to what I was thinking, but I didn’t act on any of those thoughts immediately. I just observed. I created a “meditation station” in one of my living rooms and every morning, before starting the day, I sit there and breathe. Every day. Without fail.

I stopped chasing people and ideas. I stopped holding on to things, because even though they made me feel whole at times, in the long run, they weighed me down. So I let go. And once I let go completely, I felt freeeeeeeee! I felt so alive, more alive than I’ve ever felt, I felt more humble, more balanced, more creative, and more at ease. I wasn’t in a state of bliss or anything. I wasn’t ecstatic. Unlike other times I’ve felt this high, I didn’t think that life was comfortable. I was fully aware of challenges around me, but this time, it was the challenges that empowered me, not the comfort. I was adapting to a new way of life. I was seeking out new things to open my mind and enrich my life, be it Will Smith’s amazing YouTube channel or my first internship. Suddenly, things that I couldn’t have foreseen, good things, started to show up more in life. I seized all the opportunities. I made a friend (hi). I started to open up to my friends in ways I wouldn’t have really thought about in the past. Now, I am more funny. I am more welcoming. I am less judgemental.

Everyone I meet, I try my best to make them happy around me. And now, my blog seems full of life, too. Every word that I have written has value, not simply because I have found my purpose or anything. I have realized that my words tell stories. Stories of happiness, stories of growth, stories of pain, but always stories worth telling. And I don’t want to stop writing anymore. 

Play

I bring to you my second song, called “Play”. Enjoy!

I've been running all my life from something I don't know
Looking for a way out but I don't know where to go
Killing myself cause I thought that I was really weak
I always forgot to breathe
Was okay with discomfort, didn't try to break those walls
Cause god forbid I mess it up and lose my step and fall
I stayed away from all the things that deeply frightened me
But I never felt free
But soon I taught myself
To be calm and enjoy the ride
I was lost, now I've found
A piece of me that feels right
Cause someone told me that our life aint what we live it's what we make
I took a chance and made it great, enjoyed the things that came my way
Soon my strengthmay falter but my faith will never fade away
Cause there's no pressure, I play for pleasure
I woke up feeling, feeling that today is gonna be okay
Imma conquer my life, if I'm losing oh, I won't today
Soon my strength may falter but my faith will never fade away
Cause there's no pressure, I play for pleasure
Now I'm running faster, and I'm chasing all my dreams
But I'm not feeling tired, I'm not bursting at my seams
And if one door closes, I can open one more door
I couldn't ask for more
Now I love myself cause love matters more than my pride
I was lost, now I've found a piece of me that feels right
Cause someone told me that our life aint what we live it's what we make
I took a chance and made it great, enjoyed the things that came my way
Soon my strengthmay falter but my faith will never fade away
Cause there's no pressure, I play for pleasure
I woke up feeling, feeling that today is gonna be okay
Imma conquer my life, if I'm losing oh, I won't today
Soon my strength may falter but my faith will never fade away
Cause there's no pressure, I play for pleasure
I will create my fate
I don't care what they say
I will do it my way
Cause it's no work, and all play
Even if I fall, I'll be fine cause I'll know I tried
I was lost, now I've found a piece of me that feels right
Cause someone told me that our life aint what we live it's what we make
I took a chance and made it great, enjoyed the things that came my way
Soon my strengthmay falter but my faith will never fade away
Cause there's no pressure, I play for pleasure
I woke up feeling, feeling that today is gonna be okay
Imma conquer my life, if I'm losing oh, I won't today
Soon my strength may falter but my faith will never fade away
Cause there's no pressure, I play for pleasure
I will create my fate
I don't care what they say
I will do it my way
Cause it's no work, and all play

Photo by W on Unsplash

What I Love and What I Need To Do – Finding Balance.

Photo by Andreas Dress on Unsplash

A lot of people my age have this issue of being disconnected from their passions and their everyday lives. Luckily, I don’t have this problem. At least, not all the time.

I am so grateful to say that I do what I love, and I absolutely love what I do. These things vary from trigonometry and evolutionary biology to music technology and blogging. And if we’re being honest, it also includes dancing to This is America when no one’s around. Honestly, Donald Glover’s moves are SICK.

I also have the pleasure of connecting and collaborating with people who love the same things that I do. This is true especially in the blogverse. Over the last one year that I’ve been blogging, I have talked to people from all over the world and we have shared ideas that help everyone. I have become more self-reliant, self-confident and I have learnt how to make a mark for myself. The fact that I can now change people’s minds with what I write is the biggest achievement of my journey so far as a writer.

And this feeling of love has also made its way into another part of my life which I don’t really talk about much on my blog-school. I have taught myself to stay strong in the face of adversity and extreme boredom. I have learnt to push myself to new limits without burning out in the process. Over the last few weeks, I have come to love and appreciate myself more strongly than I EVER have in my life. And I love this feeling that I love everything I do.

I have a feeling that I’m going to change this soon. For good.

By the time you read this, I will have been in 10th grade for about a week now. Remember that time when I made a post about 9th grade? It’s the same experience all over again-just now there seems to be a deathly aura all around us at school. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love being in 10th grade, I love learning new things again, I love being able to organize my life and focus on something new. I love cleaning out a slate and starting fresh with a year’s worth of wisdom to help me get better and smarter and stronger. It’s just that the idea of 10th grade tends to stress us out. Primarily because of the boards. Really, there’s no other reason. And no matter how much you want to just ignore this anxiety that everyone seems to have, it will get to you soon. Better to acknowledge it than fight it.

I, too, acknowledged this way before I even entered into 10th grade. I know that I’m going to have to work harder than I ever have this year, not because it’s hard, but because it will feel hard if I don’t push myself a little bit above the rest.

But the key here, as my mum said (love you ma), is to work hard with a sense of ease. She said, “You can be successful and still be as happy as you want.” I know this might seem very obvious, but this is very hard to put into practice. Believe me, I know. When you put your heart into something, you tend to perceive the situation as a high-stakes battle. That’s just not the case.

So, for 10th grade, my main goal is to combine what I love — learning — with what I need to do — step way out of my comfort zone and sphere of knowledge to really excel at studies more than I ever have.

And what will the status of this blog be?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I know for sure that my weekends will be filled with extra studying and mock tests and olympiad preparation and I don’t know how I’m going to fit posting into that hectic schedule. But what I do know is that I love this as much as I love myself. And when you love something that much, you always manage to do it.

Cheers,

Udita.

Goodbye, 9th grade — 3 Things I’ve Learnt This Year

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

You can be successful without killing yourself.

This, I think, has been the biggest lesson I’ve learnt this year. I have learnt that you can do everything you want to (and soo much more) without having to sacrifice your self-worth or self-love. Just because you have a goal in mind, it shouldn’t mean that your existence must depend on its completion, no matter how basic or ambitious it might be.

Being a bit of an autodidact, I do happen to be hypercritical of how I use my time while studying or learning anything. I turn even the dumbest things into “work” because giving my tasks that label seemed to make it easier to handle. But somehow, draining emotion out of my tasks seemed to drain the fun out as well.

Somewhere during this year of high school, I realized that doing this leaves me dissatisfied and exhausted, and so I chose to stop it.

What you do doesn’t matter as much as who you do it with.

This is actually a direct steal of a quote by John Green, but tbh I had no other way of saying this except, maybe, “Don’t ditch your friends just because they don’t do the same things as you do.” Something like that, I guess.

I’ve talked about before, but it still seems like an alien thought to an introvert like me. I grudgingly admit, however, that it is true. It really doesn’t matter what you do, if you don’t do it in a way that lifts you up. and 99 per cent of the time, it’s people who lift other people up. Not circumstance, not the beautiful trees out the window (although those definitely help). And you might be saying, “I lift myself up.” Dude, you’re a person, too.

There’s a quote by Kurt Vonnegut that I want to share.


“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”

Kurt Vonnegut

This sums up everything I want to say. You have friends, and most probably, you have a lot of them. Go talk to them! Find out what keeps them awake at night. Talk. Just CONNECT. Make memories. They don’t need to be good, or comfortable, or everything you dreamed for. You just need to make them.

Love is a kind of magic.

No, I’m not directly addressing the romantic kind with that statement cause if I did, I’d be dead. Instead, I’d like to focus on the more one-sided love you might feel, usually with respect to your passions and dreams.

For a long time, I felt that to love an idea meant to completely devote yourself to its cause and leaving no scope for that idea to slip out of your reach. I felt this a lot with respect to the two things that matter to more than school: writing and music. Over the last year, I’ve gotten myself more and more into the world of the arts, but there used to be a nagging feeling whenever I took a break from life to listen to my favourite song or relax and write without any restrictions. Something felt inherently wrong about the fact that I was taking so much time to do the things that I cherished. Self-love seemed to be a concept of indulgent behaviour, rather than normal behaviour.

And I know that it’s clear when I say it like this, but at some times, I used to feel guilty for loving something so much.

I’ve changed.

Thanks to some undiscovered (i still looking for it tho) shift in behaviour, I don’t feel that way anymore. I’ve listened to the people that I idolize from all fields of success, and all of them practically preach the idea of loving your passions like your love knows no bounds. Sure, you should definitely love in moderation, but I have learnt to not love with guilt in my heart.

Cheers,

Udita.

February |Goals|

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

Keeping It Simple

Following my own plan of 12 monthly resolutions, I am going to try my best to make my life simple and not get overwhelmed by things. Unlike my resolution for January (cough, which failed, cough), I’m going to hold myself accountable to this task and make sure I stay committed. It’s all about forming a good habit and sticking to it, and I believe that I can do it, so I shall!

Getting ahead of school

I may or may not want to do this, but I gotta.

The first two weeks of February are holidays for us because we wrote our last annual exam today! We are officially out of 9th grade! While that is definitely a cause for celebration, I still do need to work a lot during the holidays. 10th grade might not be tough, but it’s going to be a lot to handle. And since I do really badly in overwhelming situations, I might as well give myself a headstart now and relax later.

Doing things I love.

I woke up one day, on the verge of tears, thinking about what the world would be like if there was no music. If there was no John Green or his novels. If this blog didn’t exist anymore. I decided to hold my passions close to my heart and do the things that I love as much as I can.

As much as I can, I’m going to write, play the guitar and cycle daily. Even if I can’t, I’m not going to stress.

I really feel like I can do it.

Cheers,

Udita.